#5onFri: Five Tips for Writing About Family Dynamics

Worthy of reposting, especially #2

 by Erin Tyler
published in Writing

So, you want to write about your dysfunctional family. Well, good for you. (And if you’re one of the lucky few who wants to write about your functional family, I’m not your Huckleberry).

Family dynamics are difficult enough to grasp, let alone write about. But when properly explored, they make for powerful stories.

Here’s a few rules I follow when writing about my family:

1. Empathy, Always

My number one rule for writing about family dynamics is: always do it with empathy.

Human beings are seldom monsters. They do harm each other because of unresolved trauma, emotions they were never permitted to feel, and pressures that were too much too soon. When we fail to acknowledge this in our stories, we’re only telling them by half.

You don’t have to dive into the details of Grandpa’s PTSD and subsequent struggle with substance abuse to explain the nuances of your father’s self-absorption, but Grandpa’s inability to be emotionally present with him must be a part of your explanation of who he is as a human being.

You don’t have to reprint every malignancy Grandma used to whittle mom’s soul down so that she always feels less than. But if you’re going to tell us that mom perceives everything said to her as some thinly veiled slight meant to rob her of confidence, you have to explain why.

Empathy is the practice of standing hand in hand with our characters—allowing them to be human and relatable—and no story about family dynamics is even decent without it.

2. Write Angry, Then Refine

Families aren’t designed to be fair. They can be infuriating, and they can leave you feeling bitter and bruised. When we deny we’re angry, we kiss our truth goodbye.

I always write my rough drafts with as much anger as I can muster—even if I know it’s irrational—because I believe anger is respect for self. And without self, you just don’t have a story. When I refine that rough draft, and edit out the irrational bits, what’s left behind is just the right amount of vulnerability.

3. Avoid The Clinical

If you’re writing about your family, odds are you’ve already sought therapy to deal with them. You may have picked up diagnostic terms from your therapist. Don’t use them.

It’s all well and good to know your Aunt Grace is codependent with her son, your mother is slightly borderline, your Dad is a narcissist, and your brother has bipolar disorder—and it can be comforting to lean on a therapist’s knowledge when the holidays are nigh—but fact is: clinical diagnoses are boring, unemotional, and reductive. People are more complex than the collection of traits they embody when stressed.

Your Thanksgiving story packs more punch if you simply retell what you saw and felt. Your mother threw a tray of green bean casserole at your father over a perceived slight, and your father was more upset over the stain on his expensive shirt than the emotional impact the outburst had on his loved ones. Your Aunt Grace launched into a rant because everyone upset her nearly 40-year-old son who still lives her basement, and your brother laughed maniacally at it all because he was stoned on pills and had been awake for three days straight. As a result, you felt [insert emotion]. That’s good writing.

4. Dig Deep

What do you really want to say about your family? Don’t ask your prefrontal cortex. Ask your gut. That’s where the answer to that question really lies.

How did your gut feel when your mother threw the beans and huffed off? What went on in there when your dad stormed out the back door to go play with his toys like an infant?

So often we control the way we feel with our thoughts, rationalizing them into something more acceptable (and controllable) when the real story is roiling below. Nobody wants to read the acceptable story. They want the meat. Give it to them.

5. Follow Your Fear

Have you ever written about your family with nausea in your stomach, typing out sentences, deleting them out of fear and then typing them again? Have you ever thought, “Oh, I couldn’t possibly say that. You’re not supposed to say things like that about family.”

Good. Who gives a crap about what they’re supposed to say?

Family dysfunction feeds on our secrets. It is nurtured by our silence. It rolls, storm-like, through generation after generation—feasting on souls and leaving a wasteland in its wake—and the only thing that stops it dead in its tracks is truth.

If there is fear in the pit of your stomach when you write about your family, then follow it. Honor it. That fear means that what you’re writing about is honest and therefore relevant. And if you’re not interested in relevance—if you’re only interested in saying what has already been said—then don’t bother writing about your family.

We don’t need to read it.


Erin Tyler

Over a celebrated twenty-year design career, Erin Tyler has designed book covers for multiple New York Times bestselling authors, such as James Altucher, Ryan Holiday, David Goggins, and Tucker Max. She is a graduate of the Rochester Institute of Technology and is currently the creative director at Scribe Media. Erin is the author of the Amazon best-selling book, The Bad One: A Memoir About Growing Up a Goat.

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WordPress Meetup Recaps

SEO

10/14/20 – What’s New in WP 5.5?

Dan York mentioned:

Reusable Block Pattern Builders – image on left; three rows of text in different fonts on right, gradient background option, posted on multiple pages, editable.

Photo Editing Ability on the page, at point of insertion, optional rounded corners.

Lazy loading can make your site faster.

The skinny – 5.5 also does away with several plug-ins.

2021 theme – released at the end of month has

  • more block patterns and features and
  • will work well with WP 5.6 (release date unknown).

6/29/20 – Google Adding UX to Search Ranking in 2021

Dan York mentioned:

Core Web Vitals  and User-centric Performance Metrics

  • help site owners measure user experience; also factored into site rankings.
  • An uncluttered, engaging and easily navigated page that’s easy to interact with    and contains timely, accurate information will rank higher, and lead to UX      success.

The skinny – SEO and UX-optimizations complement each other; they are not mutually exclusive.

And that’s it.

Happy Thor’s Day!

Great-Grandparents

Healthy baby born during Covid-19 Epidemic
Healthy Great-granddaughter

Mom! Dad! Guess what? My baby had a baby! You’re Greatgrandparents!  Jerry and his wife Carole had a healthy baby girl on September 1st. Another September birthday in the family, Mom. And they got married two days after yours in 2016.

So exciting! Jerry texts us photos of her sleeping on his chest. So cute. He’s really into her. And Carole, you’d like her, sent two videos of her hiccuping, adorably.

We didn’t buy a crib like you did when we visited you with Audrey. I can still see Dad scoop Audrey from the crib with such gusto. It really surprised me, what with his heart and everything, He seized the moment. I have a photo of the two of them sitting on the bed. So precious. I should find it and put it out.

I still have the framed proof of dad and I dancing at my wedding. Even faded, it’s one of my favorites.

I also have a picture of Grandma, sitting in the living room, beside her walker, Audrey, in her infant seat at her feet. I didn’t get the impression she wanted to hold her— I can still hear her say, she looks like her father, not one of us. Gee, thanks, Grandma.

So glad you were able to meet your great-granddaughter.

So, we’ve been Face-timing. Don’t know when we’ll get to meet her. Hopefully, by Thanksgiving. You know about the virus, right? I’m sure they’ll answer your questions where you are.

You know, for years I wondered whose heart I had. Turns out, I got a condition. (I sound like Grandma. I got a condition…) Don’t need to change my diet or lifestyle. But I hardly go out since the virus hit. Last Saturday, Ed and I ran errands. Lowe’s for lightbulbs and The Scoop, for peppermint stick ice cream. I’ll see the doctor in a few weeks. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

It’s just another factor defining when we’ll meet our granddaughter.

Oh, her name is Rose, born 10 days early. First baby! Full-term. Well, they did induce her. 

The important thing is they’re all healthy.

Text alert. Another Zoom. Can’t wait! We’ll talk again, soon. Love and miss you.

10-word email exchange

blank business composition computer
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

To:      Employer

Cc:      Tammy

From:  Exemplary Employee

Date:   Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 8:10 AM

Re:      Vacation week


I’d like the week of August 3rd off.

Thank you.

(e-signature)

———————————————————

To:      Exemplary Employee

cc:       Tammy

From:  Employer

Date:   Tuesday, June 30, 2015, 8:30 AM

Re:      Re: vacation week


Should be fine.

Check status of my

April conference reimbursement.

(small first initial signature)

 

 

_____________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

About Straps

flash fiction, StoryADayMay writing prompt,

Carmella’s blouse is so sheer, I can see her bra! And it’s not a training bra because there’s a tiny white flower between the cups. I know these things; I’ve studied bras.

Mary Ann, the smartest girl in the class, wears a bra slip over her bra. So, all you can see are the straps.

Even Sabrina doesn’t wear undershirts, and she’s shorter than me. Doesn’t anyone else? Oh, wait, Felicity’s wearing one. Ha! Ha! Felicity’s wearing an undershirt! Oh, and Josie!

I thought only good things would happen once we removed the top part of our wool jumper. I thought wearing only a skirt and blouse as our uniform meant that Katie wouldn’t faint if it’s one hundred degrees, again, for this year’s field trip, or that Adele wouldn’t vomit from heatstroke like she did in second grade at the Bronx Zoo! I didn’t expect to be “the girl in the undershirt.” That’s not fair!

I’ve been pestering Mom for a bra. And when she wouldn’t take the hint, I wrote in the steam on the bathroom mirror, “I think I have enough to wear a bra!” I didn’t. It was all about the strap. I wanted straps.

When I asked Mom what I needed to do to develop, she told me to “take care” of myself. The next time she went out, I went into the medicine cabinet and used two sprays of her Secret Underarm Deodorant and one quick spray of her Feminine Hygiene Deodorant (FDS).

Once, I got that purse-sized, glossy black cylinder from the top of Mom’s dresser and sang as I sprayed, “Every woman alive wants Chanel Number 5.” A beautiful blonde lady with an accent advertised it. And someone gave it to Mom for a special occasion.

Boy, did I get in trouble. You know there’s not much in that little bottle, and I was wearing most of it. I smelled worse than the beauty parlor and gave myself a headache. Everyone got mad, and I got sent to my room. Even I didn’t want me in my room.

I remained flat-chested. “My little friend did not visit.” I did not “get unwell.” I did not “become a lady.”

But I was able to talk Mom into buying me a bra at Woolworths. And since I measured 26 AAA and the smallest-sized bra in the store was 32 AA, Grandma took in three inches on each side. In between bouts of laughter.

I enjoyed Grandma and Mom’s erupting laughter. I liked watching and listening to it.

I did mind them laughing at my brother suggesting I use a band-aid. So, I told him to just shut up. He’s fat anyway. We shopped in the husky department for him.

Whereas, I got sent to Grandma’s to put on weight. She was a good cook. For the longest time, I weighed thirty-five pounds; when I hit fifty, we celebrated.

I started wearing a bra slip over my undershirt to school. No one noticed my strap.

I was allowed to wear an actual bra on weekends.

If Mary Ann or Carmella asks what I did this weekend, I’ll say, “I wore a bra without an undershirt. What’d you do?”

 

Dad Musings

past, memories, remembrances, nostalgia, loved ones, gone

Portrait of Dad, June 1970, Pittsburgh, PA (prose poem)

Armed with a No. 2 pencil in his right, a quartered Arts and Leisure in his left, and Polaroid lenses flipped perpendicular to his bifocals, Dad sat in an inflatable, transparent orange club chair, scowling.

A short-sleeve, button-down shirt that looked like a pajama top revealed arm hair that kind of stood like alfalfa sprouts. He wore an Omega watch with a cheap elastic drug-store wristband.

Right ankle crossed over his left knee, a milky white kneecap peeked between his black, nylon Gold Toe knee socks and khaki walking shorts. His feet slipped into a pair of brown rubber thongs that accommodated socks.

He rose, and with his hands on his waist, did a backbend, groaned and cursed the Atlas Van Line movers for striking. Damn them for making him sleep on a borrowed cot for three weeks.

Then he returned to his inflatable club chair to take on his final opponent — 11 across — Leisure suit

 

Dad Moment (100-word story)

I’m ten-years-old and playing with that self-pitching tube you bought my brother, who spends most of the time in his room reading comic books.

Mom’s somewhere inside doing something.

Stomping on the closed end jets air to the plastic ball atop the open end.

When I swing the lightweight bat at the now-suspended ball — Crack!      

it soars over our nine-foot hedges.

I’m gonna’ go get it when,

I spy you in the picture window doubled-over laughing,

at what, something Mom just said?

But once I see you see me, then I beam back at you beaming at me.

National Flash Fiction Day June 6, 2020

In a flash, Flash fiction,
michal-mancewicz-R9L7ukhBSgs-unsplash.jpg

In a Flash

What is flash?

Flash is organic, it bubbles up. There’s something there. A kind of golden nugget.

What is the definition of flash?

Flash is a very short creative piece. (Nowadays, it can be less than or equal to 500 words.)

What’s the difference between flash and a traditional short story?

Traditional short stories have a beginning, middle and end, story arc, epiphany, resolution.

Flash has emotion, movement and resonance.

Flash goes further than description.

There’s a forward momentum, that builds, illuminating your reader along the way, and leading them somewhere.

If the reader gets it by the end, it’s flash.

What’s the difference between poetry and flash?

Flash and Poetry are cousins.

Windy’s Seven Favorite Forms of Flash:

  1. Vignette
  2. Character sketch
  3. Diary entry
  4. List story
  5. Fables
  6. Prose poems
  7. Soliloquy or Rant

Listen to the full Story A Day (Apple) Podcast #166 It’s well-worth it.

 

 

 

Carl Sagan on the Magic of Books

The scientist, astronomer, and author, Carl Sagan, on the magic of books:

“What an astonishing thing a book is. It’s a flat object made from a tree with flexible parts on which are imprinted lots of funny dark squiggles. But one glance at it and you’re inside the mind of another person, maybe somebody dead for thousands of years. Across the millennia, an author is speaking clearly and silently inside your head, directly to you. Writing is perhaps the greatest of human inventions, binding together people who never knew each other, citizens of distant epochs. Books break the shackles of time. A book is proof that humans are capable of working magic.”

cropped-Galaxy-with-Arms-Flung-Wide-2012-1.jpg

10 Ways to Hook Your Reader

(excerpt from the Writer’s Digest)

  • begin at a pivotal moment
  • add an unusual situation
  • add an intriguing character
  • conflict
  • add an antagonist
  • change emotion
  • irony and surprise
  • make people wonder
  • dread factor
  • keep narrative voice compelling

 

Have fun!

George Saunders on Fiction

The wonderful thing about fiction: the meaning of a story is contained in the way it unscrolls, in the experience the reader has, phrase by phrase. Everything else—the analysis we tend to feel the need to do—is reductive (fun, but reductive). The reading experience, when you think about it, is so complex and lovely and hard to describe: ideas come up and are complicated and refined by the next beat; moral notions arise and are challenged; the language surprises; parallel images from our own life are continually invoked; questions that, in our everyday mode, we’d be more simply opinionated about are endorsed and negated and complicated. All this happens at once, and in a granulated way that’s impossible to describe. I think it’s important to be respectful of how mysterious the whole deal is: a person being moved by a story another person made up. It’s weird but it happens and it can really change people’s lives. I think fiction at its best can serve as a moment of induced bafflement that calls into question our usual relation to things and reminds us that our minds, as nice as they are, aren’t necessarily up to the task of living, and shouldn’t get cocky. ~ George Saunders

 

 

50 things to keep in mind when writing (41-50)

Writing tips useful ,indful

Quick Mindful Tips

41.) Vivid moment – some reflection of moment by adult

42.) BE AWARE BUT DON’T LET IT CRIPPLE YOU!

43.) Each paragraph ratchets up tension

44.) Inhabit story – reader takes part in story

45.) Crisis is to Drama as Insight is to Memoir

46.) Narrative distance – description of time/space, both in the moment and reflective

47.) Dropped into a world that’s already spinning

48.) Things that generate the feeling are meditated upon

49.) Mask what you’re not good at – Veer toward your strengths

50.) Compressed amount of time

Which one(s) were your favorite(s)? Please comment. Don’t be shy. I don’t bite.

50 things to keep in mind when writing (31-40)

Writing tips useful ,indful

Quick Mindful Tips

31.) Sensory details

32.) Specific concrete language replaces summary abstraction

33.) Try to describe how story works, what it does, and how it is rendered.

34.) ASSUME NOBODY CARES!

35.) Is the writer in full control of the language

36.) Where does it go off the rails?

37.) What different choices in craft to improve

38.) Moments in story

39.) Little things change it so much

40) What to leave in, what to take out.

To be continued…

50 things to keep in mind when writing (21-30)

Writing tips useful ,indful

Quick Mindful Tips

21.) Narrator as observer

22.) Camera held by you v. camera is on her

23.) Show don’t tell with concrete detail

24.) Overview – summary – recounts but doesn’t recreate

25.) Tone – use of language and voice to vividly render world

26.) Must move toward point of story

27.) Representative setting and atmosphere

28.) Render situation vividly – the situation of the story and the purpose of writing it (Think editorially and critically.)

29.) Theme – what is the situation? what is the conflict?

30.) What engine drives the story?

To be continued…

50 things to keep in mind when writing (11-20)

Writing tips useful ,indful

Quick Mindful Tips

11.) When?

12.) Where?

13.) Why?

14.) How?

15.) Need the ending to write the beginning

16.) Revise as you figure out what it is about and what is integral to the story

17.) Construct a version of yourself that will work for the story

18.) Associative aspect – more essay-like than story-like

19.) “Drama of Consciousness”

20.) Voice = percussion

Check back for more

50 things to keep in mind when writing

Quick Mindful Tips

1.) Conflict is in the middle of the rising action

2.) Circumstantial and internal conflict

3.) Situational conflict is built to clarify the emotional conflict

4.) Text and subtext

5.) To get to the truth of the matter

6.) Narrative distance – in the moment or person now older looking back

7.) Narrative distance collapses when in the moment

8.) Create backstory as setup

9.) Who?

10.) What?

  • More to come – check back.

Bad writing is good.

Bad writing is good!
Bad writing is good

Write bad stuff because the road to good writing is made out of words and not all of them are well-arranged words.”*

From “How to Be a Writer: Ten Tips from Rebecca Solnit” in Lit Hub.

Hope…

Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words and never stops at all. — Emily Dickinson
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